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Writing College Admissions Essays that Take First
Place--A
Personal Statement Checklist
Roxanne McDonald
Congratulations on your move toward a college degree. And
congratulations on seeking support for writing your admissions
essay/personal statement. The squeaky motor gets the oil, so you
will be slick and running sleekly in a just a few days…in plenty
of time to submit and relax before transferring from a community
college or crossing over from high school to higher learning.
While the application and entry process is exciting, it is also
rigorously demanding… when it comes to writing the prompted
essays. But instead of getting intimidated, remember, it is a
process with a series of many laps around the track. Do the steps
one at a time, on time, and even ahead of time; be just as
rigorous as the entry requirements are; and use the following as
a checklist throughout the entire personal statement writing
process, and you will create a worthy piece of writing that will
smoothly slide you right into the institution of your choice.
1. Use that fine machine (your head): get ahead, start ahead.
___Start early. If they application and essay are due in three
months, start working on it in two.
2. Start small.
___If the task seems overwhelming, choose an easy, quick, or
interesting part of the task. Then you will have a momentum that
will push you forward into the larger, more time consuming tasks.
For example, you know your name, address, and (maybe) what you
want to major in. Fill out the application.
3. Read X3 before you start to build.
___The first time, read the directions and the prompt choices for
the personal statement(s) you have to write as if you are reading
a magazine for fun.
___The second time, read the prompt choices as if you are reading
a catalog and shopping for the one (best) item (prompt)…. Choose
the one topic that you feel you have the most to write on, the
one you like, the one you are drawn to.
___The third time, read with a highlighter or pen: highlight or
underline the key words in the prompt’s introductory sentences
and the key action words (those words that tell you to do
something). For example, if the prompt reads as follows, you
would mark it like this [I use brackets here for highlighting]:
…Is there [anything] you would like us to know [about you or your
academic record] that you have not had the opportunity to
[describe] elsewhere in this application? What is [your intended
major]? [Discuss] [how your interest in the field developed] and
[describe] any [experience you have had in the field] – such as
volunteer work, internships and employment – and what you have
gained from your involvement….
4. Make notes…and make them visible.
___You now have the (five, here) parts to list on a big piece of
paper or cardboard that you then prop up or tape up on your wall
or pc. (I always do this—tape the required points on my computer;
then I can constantly refer to it as I am writing. It keeps me on
track—on topic.)
5. Consider your audience.
___As with any writing, you decide your tone based on who will be
reading the work. In this case, you are submitting to a committee
of readers who read stacks and stacks of these things. So…
6. Be real. Be honest. Be engaging. Be positive. Be fresh.
I know, I know. I hate it too when someone tells me to be myself.
(Who else would I be?) The point is to avoid pretense, avoid b.s.
(lies), and avoid whining, begging, and angry, bitter, resentful
tirades.
The readers want to know who you are, how you would fit, and what
you would bring to the university.
___Brainstorm a list of true details, writing them on the left
side of a piece of paper. On the right side, note next to each
item how that makes you a perfect candidate for the place. (The
left side is negative, too. The right side is the balance,
turning the negatives into positives.)
7. Engage.
Granted, when we writers begin drafting, we may not necessarily
begin with the opening paragraph. We scribble the lines we
remember, the body, the conclusion, topic sentences, important
buzz words, or anything else that comes to mind. But when you do
get to the opener, it must be as outstanding, alluring, inviting,
and original as possible.
I promise I know what I’m talking about here. As a/an (former)
Associate Professor of college English, I assisted hundreds of
students with both graduate and undergraduate application packets
and processes--teaching workshops on the entrance essays,
tutoring students in the complete process in the colleges’
learning centers, even receiving students in my home (where they
still continue to approach me for consultation and support).
So I have seen/see many students get accepted to Berkeley,
Cornell, Stanford, State, and other private and public
institutions—based on their essays, which I helped them to write
and (ugh) rewrite using the standards and guidelines of the major
institutions of higher learning (and this handy manual of caveats
I have compiled over the years). And those essays start with
unique, engaging intros—that follow these tricks:
___Get rid of all abstractions (now also considered clichés in
the academic arena…since they have been driven into the ground by
overuse). Avoid using the “success” “achieve” “lifelong dream”
terms, words, and phrases. The panel knows you want/need these.
They expect it is a given, and would probably have group heart
attacks if someone wrote he/she was applying to be unsuccessful,
to achieve nothing, and to listlessly idle, having no dream
whatsoever. (Okay, you get my point, right?)
___Erase the “I am an immigrant who needs to make my parents
proud” clichés. (I promise you, this strategy is empty and
useless. I have received students needing entry essay help who
are immigrants, children of immigrants, products of immigrant
DNA, victims of immigrant mentality….every first draft I read
started with this kind of intro. And I’ve only helped about 500
students with this exact same opener. Imagine the weary tsk-ing
and head shaking of the board member who reads thousands!)
The bottom line is this: asking to be admitted because you
experienced--and are slamming the board with--a number of boo-hoo
poor me hardships is the same as going to a job interview and
answering questions about what skills you bring to the job by
crying that you need to feed your kids. How does your need
qualify you? It doesn’t.
___And/or, forget the “I was neglected, abused, poor, hungry,
ugly, fat…” opener. Same lecture as above applies here, too.
Unless…
___You can turn the negative into a positive. If you have to be
real, and the victim thing is part of your story, show how that
pain/struggle/torture contributed to who you are today and to
what you bring to the school. But do it later in the essay and do
it in passing, in mention, in brief…and then move on. So, how do
you open a personal statement?
___ By opening the essays with a metaphor, a narrative, or
appropriate facts and statistics that will make the essay(s)
stand out, appeal to the board, and give those readers something
interesting…you have a better chance of them saying to each
other, “Hey, did you read that Joe Blow essay?” and of them
putting it in the “YES” pile.
Consider this: what running theme(s) would best represent you?
For example, would you, like Helen Zhang did, use a water
metaphor to represent your immigrating from a country where you
were going with the flow of running your own company, then moved
to a country where you started over, re-built the ship from
scratch, beat the hell out of those choppy stormy seas, and are
now sailing, headed for helping others to row to safe shores?
Or would you, like Celestino Garcia, use a food/feeding metaphor
to show how getting your fingers broken by a cruel (and insane)
uncle who then forced you to do farm work and refused to feed you
has instead driven you to culinary school, to prepare lovely
meals for feeding today’s children even worse off than he was
without food?
Or do you prefer to open with a description, as Sarah Choi did,
for example, of living in the projects, looking through a cracked
window at the police lights every night you sat to do grade
school homework—till one day you made it out, still keeping in
mind (and writing it back in at the end of your essay) the sirens
and lights and project life from whence you came, so you can,
when you graduate, return to the projects and aid others in
escaping the flashing lights and flashes of gunfire?
8. You’ve got their attention. Now make your point. Boldly.
___Here’s where your thesis comes in. Once you have used an
original description, metaphor, statistic, fact, or definition to
open, wrap up the intro with a declarative, confident statement.
For example,
“This is why I want to attend Oxford.” will not help you make
your way into Oxford. Again, it’s obvious you want to attend/be
accepted, and that’s not reason enough to be accepted.
But “With this experience, with excellent grades, with a steady
volunteer record, and with a pro-active attitude, I will make
dynamic, positive, and supportive contributions to the community
at Oxford, and later, to the community at large.” will give you
the horsepower you need to finish the essay and to get accepted.
9. You’ve done the hard part. Follow through to the finish.
___The body of your essay will now have the theme/line of
reasoning it needs to follow. If it helps, print the thesis in
large lettering, and tape this up, too. It is the main point you
will now prove with examples of
__your g.pa.
__your outstanding performance awards
__your volunteer experience (where, when, etc.)
__your tutoring, interning, or work-related experience
__your influences/reasons for getting into the field
__any points the prompt asks for
10. Accelerate using anything you have/know/have done.
The support (body of the essay) is most important nowadays, to
give you the boost you need to compete. For instance, a number of
schools/majors are impacted. Computers and business, for example,
have students neck-and-neck in fierce competition for a seat in
the department.
So when there are 500 applicants with the same 4.0 g.p.a, the
same awards, and the same backgrounds and work experience, you
need to use facts (no b.s., made-up stuff) that will give you the
extra speed. This is why tutoring tales help. This where
volunteering cranks up the volume. This is where you use what you
can to race ahead. As long as it’s truth-based. If they ask for
two letters of recommendation, send three. If they ask for one
way you will contribute to the university, give them two: you
will help in the department, assisting the professors (for free);
and you will tutor those struggling in a (related) subject you
are fortunate to do well in.
But how do you come in 1st and keep the rules of the road?
Here’s where revising, revising, and revising again comes in.
First, write all you can, all you want, all you know. Then, go
back and check those instructions. How many pages must you use?
What size font?
___Usually, you have a page limit that you must not go over.
___At the same time, you must cover 3-4 areas in your essay.
___Follow the instructions—to…the…letter. (This will also give
you an advantage, for the instructions are there not just to get
to know you but to test whether you are adept at following
instructions.)
___Don’t give the readers any excuse/reason to eliminate you.
___Tighten your text. This is covered in the Mechanics section
below.
11. Keep that machine well-oiled: use your pit mechanics.
___Revise the opener. Make sure it is fresh, engaging, relevant.
___Revise the thesis. Be sure it’s complete and expresses the
general point.
___Revise the body (supporting evidence). Check that it addresses
part of the prompt. (This is another “test”—does the applicant
cover all parts of the question?)
___Rev. the paragraphs and transitions between paragraphs. Be
sure each is coherent, and that all are organized and connected,
and therefore easy to follow.
___Rev. the sentences. Use variety. Combine sentences for rhythm
and flow.
___Rev. the diction. Get rid of useless words, extra words,
abstract words. This is where you will be able to shorten the
essay.
___Revise the spelling. Do not rely on the pc spellchecker! It is
two e-z to Miss homonyms and readers will not be able to bare it!
___Revise the punctuation. Get a tutor for this if you need to.
___Use human mechanics, too. We have brains that are set up so
perfectly that they do this thing called hypercorrection. So when
we read our own drafts, our brains insist on automatically
correcting and reading as correct text that has errors in it. How
do you fix this? Have someone else read the work aloud. You
listen carefully. When the reader stumbles, pauses, or does a
“Wha…?” double-take, you stop the reader, catch the error, and
change it, right then and there, in the pit stop. Before you mail
it—again—re-read and revise. Re-read and revise.
12. Mail the entry—the application (with nothing left blank),
the check (not blank), and the essay (cleaned and
polished)--before the deadline…
in plenty of time for the university readers to read it, laugh
over it, cry over it (which does happen—I have cried over the top
essays that got Sarah, Tino, Helen, and many others into law
school, computer tech school, business school, and more), and
except you...I mean, accept you.
Now get your motor running and win that race.
N.H.-born prize-winning poet, creative nonfiction writer,
memoirist, and award-winning Assoc. Prof. of English, Roxanne is
also web content and freelance writer/founder of
www.roxannewrites.com, a support site for academic, memoir,
mental disability, and creative writers who need a nudge, a nod,
or just ideas…of which Roxanne has 1,000s, so do stop in for a
visit, as this sentence can’t possibly get any longer…….
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