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The Top 10 Reasons to Postpone Sex if You're Dating with
Serious Intent
Susan Dunn, MA, EQ and Dating Coach


Most of us beyond a certain age can think of at least one
good, promising relationship we had that became irredeemable
because of having sex too soon. I hear these stories
frequently as an EQ and Dating Coach. Here are the top ten
reasons to postpone physical intimacy.

1. STDs
Practice safe sex!

2. People regard sex differently.

It can mean committment, or recreation, or nothing at all,
or the best cure there is for the pain of another breakup -
it varies. you will save yourself some grief if you get to
know the other person well enough to find out what meaning
the act has for them.

3. Regardless of what you think (intellectually), sex has
powerful consequences and implications.

4. Sex puts your feelings 'on speed,' magnifying and
distorting them.

"Reproduction" is a powerful drive from the reptilian brain
which is interested in survival, and sends us the strongest
messages we have to deal with. When encountering situations
of sex (or threat), our brains pump out chemicals designed
to stop us from thinking. Is that really where you want to
be with someone you hardly know? At the crucial stage of
getting to know someone, you won't be clear-headed enough to
make good decisions.

5. Sex releases bonding chemicals.
Do you want brain chemicals deciding to whom you become
bonded? Stop, look and listen and you can save yourself the
very real agony of breaking up with someone unsuitable that
you've become attached to because of the sex.

6. Sex releases a stream of feel-good chemicals,
particularly good for diffusing anxiety and negative states
(including depression).

In some residential drug rehab programs, for instance,
participants are separated by gender because program
directors have found that otherwise they'll just "fall in
love," the feel-good chemicals take over, and rehab ends. In
other words, it can be a show-stopper. A little 'anxiety' is
not a bad idea when you're getting to know a stranger, and
contemplating a life partner. It's a time when you should be
thinking as well as feeling, and a time when there is work
to be done.

7. Sex narrows options.
It can define the relationship prematurely, not letting in
unfold naturally. It can become a substitute for the other
forms of communication a developing relationship needs to
sustain it. And, worst-case scenario, do you need the
pressure of a pregnancy impinging on an important life
decision? (Practice safe sex!) Some of the unhappiest people
I know are those who felt they didn't have a free choice in
marrying the person they married.

8. Anticipation is a sort of tension, but it's delicious.
Don't deprive one another of that. You'll appreciate
something more if you have to wait for it. That's human
nature.

9. Engaging in sex too early implies a lack of restraint and
lack of respect.

It is human nature to conclude from an early jump into the
sack that the other person has no restraint and won't be
faithful, and also to doubt your own ability to hold to your
standards where this person is concerned, i.e., they'll
'make you write bad checks.' This is part of what's meant by
putting pressure on the relationship. Those conclusions may
or may not be true, but why complicate an already complex
issue?

10. Having sex too soon truncates an important period of
fantasy and dreaming.

This is particularly important for men, who are said to
"fall in love in the spaces." Men need the challenge and the
work. Women ... need to remember that most men decide
immediately whether the woman is marriage-material or not,
and if he considers you the latter, he'll still have sex
before he exits.


(c)Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc .
Individual coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around
emotional intelligence for your personal and professional
success. Susan is the author of "Midlife Dating Survival
Manual for Women." She also trains and certifies EQ
Coaches internationally. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for
info on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-
residency program. Email for FREE EQ ezine.



Also See:

How To Have Great Sex & Sexuality Issues

Having Better Marriages & Relationships

Women's Issues & Women's Health

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