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5 Steps For Dealing With Unacceptable Behavior
Matt Clarkson
We all want happy, effective relationships with our partners,
work colleagues and of course, you guessed it, our teenagers.
Ignoring bad behavior can spell trouble, but how can we deal
with it without damaging the relationship even more?
Before I get into it step-by-step, let me explain the good part
of "bad" behavior:
When I was a teenager, I wanted to prove that I was the only one
who was in control of my life. And being the crass individual
that I am, there were times when I would do the opposite of what
my parents tried to make me do - even if it made no sense and
wasn't in my best interests at all. : )
Even though you may feel like banging your head against a brick
wall, for the young person, this is an important and healthy
process. Experience and maturity come about from making some
not so good choices along the way.
(I'm speaking from "experience" - believe me - I've made some
humdingers!)
And as I said in my free mini-course young people who do not
learn at some point to think and act for themselves are going to
get their butt kicked. So what we really want to do is
encourage them in that process - the process of them learning to
make their own sensible decisions for themselves.
That's a good thing.
The trouble comes when young people are more concerned with
proving they are "truly independent" than with making the best
choices.
Many Teenage Problems and blatantly "out of control",
unacceptable behavior are a sign that it is more important to
them to make their own choices than it is to make the best ones.
Why not acknowledge their ability to make choices?
Many parents deal with "bad" behavior by trying to impose
restrictions and taking away their "privileges". The problem
with that is it leaves THEM with a difficult choice:
"Do I surrender my right to decide what happens in my life or do
I tell you were to go?"
This is a bad either-or choice: Neither leads to the most
desirable outcomes for your teenager or you.
The difficulty for a lot of parents is that when we are angry
with them, we tend to go for the jugular and really stick the
boot in. What can happen is that they then feel they are being
attacked and so they attack back. Before you know it, an
almighty battle has begun and the original problem behavior has
been forgotten about completely.
Is there a better option? I suggest the following for you to
try:
1) The moment your teenager does something that you don't feel
comfortable with
STOP.
Ask Yourself:
"Is this behavior totally, 100% wrong and unacceptable or is it
just something that I personally don't approve of?"
If it's the second kind of "teenage problem" then you may want
to reconsider punishing them for it. If you decide it is
totally unacceptable behavior, then it's important to express
your frustrations and deal with it straight away.
Do not allow it to build up.
Do not save it as ammunition for next time.
Deal with unacceptable behavior (if it really is unacceptable)
as soon as it happens if at all possible.
2) Tell them specifically what they did that was unacceptable:
"You spoke to me in a disrespectful way"
3) Acknowledge that they are in control of the choices they
make.
"You are the only one who decides what happens in your life. If
that's the way you want to go then we can't stop you - that's up
to you!"
4) Tell them honestly how you feel about it. Express your
feelings in a real and natural way. Shout, cry, laugh -
whatever is natural for you - but don't get physical.
"I'm really ANGRY about what you've done!!!"
5) The last all-important step is to re-affirm your love and
respect for them as a person.
"....but the REASON I feel so angry (or whatever) is that I
really love/respect you and I know that deep down YOU'RE A GOOD
KID - that's why I'm so angry!"
So you tell them specifically what they've done that is
unacceptable but acknowledge that their behavior is their
responsibility. Then you share your honest feelings. Finally,
and this is the critically important part, you re-affirm their
dignity and your love for them as a person.
Your negative feelings are focused on their *behavior* and you
have reaffirmed your love and respect for WHO THEY ARE.
In this way, they can't focus on what they hate about your
parenting style. They have no choice but to focus on their
behaviour and think about whether it's the direction THEY really
want to go in.
This 5-step works for unacceptable behavior in any
relationship, but you'll be surprised how effective it is with
teenage problems when you use it at the right time.
Matt Clarkson is the Founder of Youth Mentoring. He is a mentor
and personal coach who helps teenagers and parents find
fulfillment and direction. He is the author of a no-cost 5-Part
Email Mini Course for parents and young people who are
interested in improving communication, and taking their lives to
a new level of happiness and success. You can sign up at:
http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/adtrack.asp?AdID=49830
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