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HOW CAN I STOP MY CHILDREN FROM FIGHTING?
For some of us who grew up
with siblings we have vivid memories of how our parents handled fighting.
Some of us remember always being the one who was blamed; others remember
everyone being punished regardless of who the instigator was and some of us
remember our parent getting so angry, the fighting only escalated. Over the
years, I’ve often heard adults say they still hold a grudge against their
sibling. What can we do to ensure our children grow up respecting and liking
each other?
If we study the behavior
of a variety of different species in nature, we can clearly see the root of
sibling rivalry. In essence the cause is competition for limited or scarce
resources. In a family, each child has the need and desire for the EXCLUSIVE
love of his/her parent. Children depend on us for everything – food, shelter
and the very important need to feel SPECIAL. Feelings of anger, jealousy and
resentment are all normal among siblings.
What can we do as parents
when our children fight? In most cases, unless we judge the situation to be
dangerous, it’s best not to intervene. When children are involved in a
physical fight we need to clarify if it’s a real or a play fight. Real fights
are not permitted but play fights are OK if it appears they are truly just
playing. I always think it’s wise though to limit the play fighting since
they often end up with someone crying.
Normal bickering can be
ignored. If it really bothers us, we need to separate ourselves. Children
will often turn to us to resolve their problems and side with them that it was
the other person’s fault but they need to know that we have faith that they
will work things out themselves. We can simply say: “OK, I see there is a
problem but I know the two of you can work it out” and then walk away. We
often have a tendency to separate children when they’re fighting. Usually we
do it because it’s the easiest way we can think of to stop the noise.
Separating them doesn’t teach them to resolve conflict. You have the right
though to impose some rules around name calling and put downs. I’m often
impressed with the solutions my children come up with on their own when I stay
out of their arguments altogether.
All children want to feel
SPECIAL. We make them feel special when we acknowledge their uniqueness and
not treat each child the same. When one child has a birthday, the other child
doesn’t need to be given a gift as well. When one child gets new shoes, the
other child doesn’t need to have shoes as well. When we give everyone the
same thing, no one feels special. It’s important to give according to need.
Ensuring that each child gets regular one on one time with you also makes them
feel special. Try spending 10 minutes alone with each child at bedtime.
Avoid comparing. When a
child hears that their sister or brother is in some way better that they are,
it builds resentment. Every child is unique and they all learn at different
rates, have their own special likes and dislikes and exhibit different
talents. We can say: “You are the only ‘you’ in the whole wide world. No
one could ever take your place.”
Books for Parents:
Siblings Without Rivalry:
Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Loving Each One Best:
Nancy Samlin
The Joys of Sibling
Rivalry: Elizabeth Berg
Books for Children:
A Baby for Max: Maxwell
Knight
A Baby Sister for
Frances: Russell Hoban
Nobody Asked if
I Wanted a Baby Sister: Martha Alexander
Barb Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach
Give your children your best so that they can become their best.
web site:
http://www.theparentingcoach.com
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