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Take a Parenting Check-up
By Claudia and David Arp
One of the scary things about parenting is that it's a temporary
job. Our active parenting days are numbered and we need to count
them. How many parenting days do you still have? If your youngest
child is five years old, you can assume he will be leaving the
nest at around age eighteen, so that gives you thirteen years or
156 months or 4,745 days. Since we all know how fast the days zip
by, before you know it, your job as resident parent will be over.
That knowledge should motivate all of us to take a regular
parenting check-up.
How are you doing as a parent? Often we concentrate on our
children's behavior and not on our own. Why not look at your
behavior from your child's perspective? In a survey of 100,000
children, children were asked what they wanted most in their
parents. Check out the top ten answers and evaluate how you are
doing in each area.
1) Children want parents who don't argue in front of them.
Children tend to do what they see their parents doing, not
necessarily what their parents say. How do you handle
differences? Can you disagree and share your negative feelings
without attacking the other person or defending yourself? If so,
your children will learn how to process anger and resolve
conflict in positive ways.
2) Children want parents who treat each family member the same.
Treating your children the same does not mean treating them
equally. Each child is unique, but each needs the same love and
understanding. Evaluate your relationship with each child.
3) Parents who are honest.
The parent who says, "Tell the telemarketer (who is on the
phone) I'm not here," may not realize what he is modeling to his
child. Do you say what you mean and mean what you say?
4) Parents who are tolerant of others.
When parents are tolerant of others, children learn to be
patient with those who are different from them. In what ways have
you modeled tolerance to your children?
5) Parents who welcome their friends to the home.
If the gang is ganging up at your house, then you will know
where your own children are! Cultivate an open-home policy and
get to know their friends.
6) Parents who build a team spirit with their children.
As children move into the adolescent years, parents who
cultivate a team spirit will have a greater influence on their
children. How can you foster a team spirit in your family?
7) Parents who answer their questions.
Have you been guilty of saying, "I'm busy right now. Let's talk
about this later. " Then later never happens. Take time today to
answer your children's questions and when you don't know the
answer, admit it and offer to help find the answer.
8) Parents who discipline them when needed, but not in front of
others, especially their friends.
Amazingly, children really do want limits, but don't count on
them volunteering that information!
9) Parents who concentrate on good points instead of weak ones.
Look at your child as an incomplete jigsaw puzzle and
concentrate on the beautiful developing picture instead of the
missing pieces. Make a list of your child's strengths and look
for appropriate times to point them out.
10) Parents who are consistent.
We were not always consistent but we consistently strove to be.
Be encouraged. The occasional inconsistency will not ruin your
children. But your children need to know that your love and
limits are consistent. With boundaries comes security. Is there
an area in which you need to work on being more consistent? How
do you rate?
We hope you picked up some tips that will keep you from being a
behavior problem to your children. And that from time to time you
will take a parenting check up and wisely number your days.
2003 David & Claudia Arp. The Arps are marriage educators and
authors of over 30 books including 10 Great Dates and Answering
the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child. You can view their resources
at www.marriagealive.com
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