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If you do this type of parenting, you may cripple your child
forever!
By Michelle Shelton, Parenting Coach keys2kids.com
To those parents that are part of our coaching program you know
how often you hear me say, "you have to be the change you want to
see in your children." Why do you think I say that? Well, whether
you like it or not, your children will become what you are.
I know many women that put a hold on their career in order to be
home with their children. Personally, I think this is the
responsible thing to do. However, if you do this, please make
sure that you don’t lose yourself in the process! What I mean is,
while coaching, I have come across too many mothers that lay down
their life for their children. After all, that is the role of a
mother, isn't it? NOT! Who wants to become a servant in
sweatpants? Yikes! Not me! These mothers seem to think their
marriage, work, house, friends, hobbies, dreams, and entire life
ambitions take a back seat to their children. NOT!
Ladies, if you are doing this, you are making a big mistake. I
would ask you, do you want your daughters to give up their entire
identity for their children when they grow up? If the answer is
"no", remember they will become what you are!
If you find that you are a mother that serves your children and
you can’t find the line that defines who you are without the
children. You must re-evaluate now! Your children do not need a
servant! They do not need another friend. They do not need
another playmate. THEY NEED A MOTHER!!!!!
Not only is this type of parenting extremely bad for you, it is
really bad for your children. Children that are raised in this
type of environment become very selfish and they think the world
completely revolves around them. When they go to school they
can’t figure out why everyone else doesn’t know they are special.
Now before you start throwing things at me….I know your kid is
special. All of our kids are special. BUT, they are not MORE
special than anyone else. Teach them how to deal with the world
and all the other people that think THEY are more special! Being
competent leads to happiness. Being "special" leads to sadness.
These poor "special" children don’t know how to do anything for
themselves! They do not learn to do things through trial and
error, they do not learn to do things at all because mom does
everything for them. These are the mothers that you will see
buttoning their 13-year-old boys shirt and saying, “I know you
are 13 but it is my lot in life as your mother to help you.” Well
mom, guess what? It’s not helping!
Ask yourself this: “Why do children need a mother anyway?” The
answer? Children need a mother to offer guidance and to make sure
they don’t kill themselves or anyone else for that matter.
However, your primary role as a mother is to be a teacher and a
teacher teaches why, what and how. Teachers do not serve and
neither should mothers!
When you allow, (I said allow because we all want a perfect house
and the kids do things, well, you know, less than perfect!), when
you allow, your children to do things for themselves it does many
things for your children. Number one, it increases their
self-worth because they gain a sense of accomplishment, they
learn to respect and value the work that others do for them. They
also learn to be a productive member of the family and society.
They learn that their contributions can and do make a difference.
They learn that work is a necessity in life and that everyone
must pull their own weight. Everyone likes to have a sense of
accomplishment for his or her efforts, wouldn't you agree? Are
you taking that away from your children? Are you making them
dependent? Are you meeting their needs here, or yours? Ouch! Ask
yourself this, do you feel "needed" when you are serving your
children? If so, you may have a problem.
Do some reflecting this week on what kind of a mother you are.
You should still find time each day to read, meditate, and
exercise. You and your husband should have a date night once per
week. You should shower and put on make up each day so you look
nice for your husband when he gets home. You should be able to go
to the bathroom and lock the door. So what if you see little
fingers going back and forth under the door? Ignore them! You
should think in terms of what you would do if you didn’t have
children. Yikes! No children? Well, can you define yourself
without them? If not, you have a problem!
You must make yourself take care of yourself and your
relationships first so you can teach your child to lead a healthy
life because in the end, remember, they will do what you did! If
you die to self for your children, they will take advantage of
that now and they will want everyone to die to self in order to
serve them in the future. Is this really the kind of adult you
want to raise? A big selfish kid locked in an adult body?
There is a story about a man that watched a caterpillar inside a
cocoon struggling to emerge into a butterfly. The man watched for
days as the creature struggled to get out of its shell. Finally
he could stand it no longer and he took an exacto-knife and
helped the creature. What he saw was an abomination. Something
that looked similar to a butterfly only it had a huge, fat body
and small, tiny wings. It could not fly. Ever. He had crippled
the butterfly and taken something very special away from it, its
life. In the man’s attempt to save the creature from struggle and
pain he had forever crippled it. You see, it was the struggle
that helped the butterfly develop properly. The caterpillar
needed the struggle in order to emerge a strong, healthy,
beautiful butterfly.
We all must struggle. Do not try to save your children by
removing all fears, hurts, danger, challenges and other
adversity. Become a teacher and acquire the skills, (see the 5
keys everyone needs for success), needed to teach your children
how to deal with the challenges we all must face in life. Talk to
them. Teach them why you do things and why others do things and
train them what to do so they can have the right responses. Teach
them to think critically. If you don’t know how to think
critically, learn. A great place is through our coaching program.
We challenge you to gather the tools and learn so you can in turn
apply them to your life and be the change you want to see in your
children.
A wise woman once told me, “anything you do for your children
that they can do for themselves is very crippling to them.” What
do YOU do for YOUR children that they can do for themselves?
Hmmmm. I wonder.
© 2003 by Michelle Shelton. All rights reserved
Michelle Shelton is an author, parenting coach, parent
consultant, acclaimed public speaker, and parent educator.
Michelle is the author of the well known column Life with all
these Kids. Visit her web site www.keys2kids.com
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