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Orgasms
John R. Ballew, M.S.


Orgasm. Is there any word that gets our attention so quickly, and
yet remains somehow beyond explanation? The physiology of
ejaculation is pretty well known: In men, physical stimulation of
the genitals, whether by sexual contact with another or through
self-stimulation, causes semen to flow from the vas deferens to
the seminal vesicles within the prostate gland. At the peak of
orgasm, a spinal reflex causes smooth muscles around the urethra,
penis and prostate into rhythmic contraction in throb after
throb, pulse after pulse. Semen spurts out the penis. Ejaculation
generally lasts a few seconds.

“Orgasm” and “ejaculation” aren’t necessarily the same thing.
Because they tend to happen simultaneously in men, we often think
they are the same thing. Understanding that they are not the same
thing is the key to exploring ecstatic states. Orgasm is
described by sexologists as the all-of-a-sudden release of the
sexual pressure that happens during arousal, followed by an
intense relaxation.

Missing from this medical explanation is any understanding of
what happens elsewhere in our multidimensional beings -- that is,
in our hearts, our souls, our minds. Orgasm doesn’t happen just
in the pelvis. Studies show changes in brain waves, for instance.
Muscles tense and relax, emotions arise.

Some orgasms are more powerful than others. Sometimes we are
seeking a simple release -- we are feeling sexual tension, and we
want to get rid of it. The resulting orgasm may be a bit of a
thrill, and it is certainly pleasurable, but it is a pelvic
sneeze compared with full-tilt, openhearted orgasm.

The French phrase for orgasm means “the little death.” When we
are in an orgasmic state, time seems to stop. We experience
something transcendent and powerful. We may feel a sense of
clarity, losing our sense of self-consciousness, living only in
this moment.

In this ecstatic state, we let go of the ego. Our day-to-day
anxieties no longer seem so important and we let go of our
obsession with the self. We let go of our sense that we are
separate from those around us; that’s one reason why this
ecstatic state is especially powerful for those who are in love.
In this orgasmic state we are simply present, alone or with a
lover, fully alive and connected with everything that is. It is a
powerful spiritual experience, a miracle in itself. Small wonder
that so many religions seem to fear sexuality and do everything
they can to control it!

To be able to let go during sex and to savor this sense of
transcendence is one of life’s great joys. Let’s talk about how
to increase your body’s capacity for pleasure and how to open
yourself more fully to this experience.

Some basic considerations: Bodies which are full of life are more
capable of ecstasy than those which are half asleep. Exercise of
at least a mild sort helps. Sex isn’t a marathon, but if you
spend your life stuck behind a desk and are something of a couch
potato at home and have trouble climbing a flight of stairs
without getting winded, you’re not likely to feel fully awake and
at home in your body.

Next, let go of any goal when having sex other than to feel your
body, feel pleasure and connect deeply with your partner (if you
are having partner sex rather than solo sex). Notice if you find
yourself getting distracted by concerns about erections, what
your partner is thinking, how you are doing, etc. Let these
thoughts go; be in the moment. If you find yourself distracted by
thoughts or worries, work on them later.

Focus on pleasure rather than orgasm as a goal in itself. Let go
of any goal whatsoever. Are you tightening your muscles and
holding your body tensely? Let go. Relax. Breathe. Savor
sensations and delights for their own sake. There is no hurry.
What else could be more important than what you are doing right
now?

When you start to cum, see if you can stay relaxed and breathing.
Doing so allows the sensations and rhythms of your body to
increase and reverberate inside of you, and it greatly prolongs
the pleasure. Keep breathing! Some of us tend to hold our breaths
or to breathe very shallowly as we approach our climax. Doing so
shuts down sensation. In fact, half the pleasure of some men’s
orgasms comes from simply relaxing their too-tense bodies.

Our culture enshrines the idea of simultaneous orgasm. That can
be fun if it happens spontaneously, but working to that end can
turn sex into, well, work. Consider instead what can happen when
you cum at different times. You can be your partner’s witness --
seeing him in this moment of transcendence, truly being their for
him. He can be there for you, free from his own need to do
anything other than just be with you; that’s magic enough.

The time following orgasm is sacred time, sometimes referred to
as “afterglow.” Enjoy it, whether you are by yourself or with
someone else. Notice what thoughts, even visions, come to you.
Notice what you are feeling. Don’t be in a big hurry to clean up.
Stay where you are. If you have been making love to yourself,
this can be a useful time to simply enjoy the feelings of peace
and openness. If you are with a partner, this gentle, open time
can be a wonderful opportunity to affirm your love for one
another. Make the most of it!

A final thought: the openness that many of us feal after orgasm
may bring up negative feelings. Perhaps you realize that the
person you just shared this experience with was someone with whom
this level of intimacy was more awkward than you expected, or
perhaps old messages about sex-and-shame made an unwelcome visit.
Don’t be too quick to try and get rid of these feelings. There
may be an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself.
Enjoy!


John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in
private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related
to coming out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and
career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org 

 

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