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Menopause or Meno-positive?
Cheryl Dougan
Has anyone ever wondered about the origin of the word
“menopause”? I know the origin: as soon as the topic comes up in
mixed company, the men will pause…then quickly switch the topic
to sports!
I was at a fundraiser the other night for a menopause clinic. The
chair of the committee, a medical doctor, advised the crowd of
the reason for last summer’s unusual weather pattern. It
coincided with the release of new data related to taking hormone
replacement therapy. The news release was so confusing that many
women, all at once, stopped taking their HRT – thus the record
heat wave!
I’ll bet the invitations for the event were addressed to the
women by name “and spouse”. Let’s face it, at this stage there
are no “significant others”. Only a spouse afraid of losing half
of his stuff would stick it out with such a moody woman!
I’ve prepared my own top ten list of the symptoms that you know
you are going through menopause when:
1. Your family is planning for holidays and they’ve “forgotten”
to include you.
2. You check in with the receptionist for your doctor’s
appointment and she asks you for your health registration card
AND your gun registry papers.
3. You’re hanging around the frozen food section, even though
you’ve already found everything on your list.
4. You’ve been encouraging your adult children to move out on
their own when, all of a sudden, they’ve all found a place. And
your husband wants to go with them!
5. Everyone ELSE has an attitude problem.
6. Suddenly, you’re husband and everyone else agrees with
EVERYTHING you say!
7. You come back from lunch and your coworkers have left Black
Cohosh on your desk (sad but true!)
8. You start to cry every time you hear the opening notes of the
national anthem.
9. You don’t have to leave the couch to make popcorn – you simply
buy microwave popcorn, hold the bag for 3 minutes, and Voila!
And the number 10 symptom that you know you are going through
menopause:
10. You tell your husband and coworkers that you are considering
stopping your hormone treatment and they cry out “No…….!”
I dislike all the symptoms intensely: power surges, night sweats,
upper lip sweat, and that common refrain: “is it hot in here or
is it just me?” Fatigue, poor sleep (it’s okay if you nod off
while reading this!) And then there’s memory loss – short term
and long term. Women who have stopped having symptoms “forget”
what they went through. I think this is nature’s way – like
“forgetting” what it was like to have the first baby so that you
will have another.
Now where was I? O yeah….another symptom is a problem with
concentration. And then there is weight gain. Why is it that you
forget names, appointments, where you parked the car, etc., BUT
you never forget to eat!
New body and facial hair is a problem too, especially keeping up
with the hair on your chin. When I was at the dentist the other
day, he asked me if my lower jaw was fully frozen yet. I reached
up and discovered, to my horror, that all I could feel were an
army of chin hairs, standing briskly at attention!
And then there is dryness - which leads to (or doesn’t lead to!!)
“sex”. What about sex? Or as I would say with my arms tightly
crossed, WHAT ABOUT IT?!!!! You have to have a “dry” sense of
humor to know what I am talking about! Just remember what Dr.
Ruth said: “Ladies, it only takes three minutes!!”
So what do we do about menopause? We have choices. We can deny
it. Another option is to treat it “naturally”. I get terribly
excited when I line up at Starbucks and ask for my “decaf grande
soy lattee please”. And I eat a lot of fiber. By the way, who’s
noticed the increased advertising for Beano? And don’t forget to
get lots of exercise – I’d suggest something non-violent like
yoga rather than a lethal martial art!
Another option is to take hormone replacement therapy. After the
Black Cohosh appeared on my desk, I consulted with my family
doctor and my pharmacist. Don’t the drug companies know that on
top of all our other body parts failing, we are also losing our
eyesight? The instructions that came with my happy pills…I can’t
even read them with a powerful magnifying glass, never mind my
bifocals! And then there is this 4 page Facts and Comparisons
sheet (small type, no white space anywhere) that my pharmacist
provided. Do you think they have covered everything?!
Back to the fundraiser I attended…
The MC was a local radio personality who confided that she had
been asked to record the voicemail for the new menopause clinic.
This is what she reportedly recorded:
- “Hello, you have reached the menopause clinic. If you can’t
make a decision, please press 1, 2, or 3.
- If you are having trouble with your memory, please press 4. If
you are having trouble with your memory, please press 4. Again,
if you are having trouble with your memory, please press 4.
- If you are feeling paranoid, don’t worry, we know who you are
and we will call you back!!
We all have to go through menopause but we can also do our best
to make it meno-positive!
by Cheryl Dougan -
http://www.feedyouroptimism.com
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