Send This Site to a Friend
How To Fight Fair In Marriage
By Simon Presland
Fighting is one of the ways we resolve marital conflicts.
Following are ten guidelines to help you do it in a healthy way.
1. Face your fear of confrontation
Do you cringe at the thought of confrontation? Due to past
experiences, you may perceive any conflict or confrontation as an
emotionally crushing experience. You may believe, "If we clash,
I'll be judged, or worse, rejected." Marriage counselor and
minister Luke Perry, points out that a fear-based mentality is
the root of this perception."Spouses who think this way are caught in a cycle of
self-condemnation," he says. "This is often due to a lack of
acceptance while growing up. When this fear controls a person,
confrontation can be very painful."
Overcoming this fear starts with understanding that confronting
your spouse is an act of love. It may be helpful to write down a
list of the benefits that will result when the hurtful issue is
resolved. This will keep you focused on the reasons for talking
about the situation. Refer to it when either you or your spouse
becomes defensive. Shining a positive light on a delicate
confrontation will help keep peace between you.
2. Discuss the conflict as soon as possible
The old proverb, "time heals all wounds" does not apply to
conflicts in marriage. But the modern-day saying, "timing is
everything" does. When an irritating issue is unresolved, it
builds emotional distance between you and your spouse. And just
like a splinter, the issue gets under your skin and continues to
fester until it is dealt with.
When your spouse's behavior bothers you, make a decision to
confront your mate as soon as possible. If the issue needs your
undivided attention, choose a time when no one else is
around-even if you have to ask for a few minutes alone together.
3. State exactly what is bothering you
Donna was upset. She had repeatedly asked Frank to pick up his
clothes. But, once again, she stared down at his dirty socks
lying on the bedroom floor. "I shouldn't make such a big deal out
of it," she thought. "After all, I'm the one who's home all day."
Justifying an irritating action or hoping an issue will just go
away doesn't work. Hiding the pain that you feel today will only
later resurface in the form of sarcasm, criticism, or anger. When
you choose to overlook a potential conflict, you allow resentment
to build, while inviting strife and division to take up
residence. It also means that you are giving your mate permission
to continue his or her bothersome behavior.
For a marriage to remain on equal footing, both spouses must take
responsibility for their actions. Be willing to state exactly
what is that you don't like. Then the two of you can discuss some
specific solutions.
4. Stick to the subject at hand
In many marriages, confronting an issue is the gunpowder that
ignites World War III. Defenses kick in. Accusations fly. And by
the time the smoke has cleared, spouses have bombed each other
with everything that has happened since the day they were
married.
When you decide to face an issue, don't allow yourself-or your
mate-to drag in past hurts. Deal with one issue at a time. Make a
rule between yourselves that if neither is willing to discuss a
sore point as soon as it happens, then the issue cannot be used
as ammunition for future fights.
5. If your spouse says you do, then it's true
When confronted with an issue, your first response may be to hide
behind statements such as, "No I don't" or "You're just
exaggerating." When your mate states that you're doing something
irritating, trust him or her. Consciously choose to look past
your defensive walls and ask your spouse, "Why does this bother
you?" Then listen to what is being said. Try to see his or her
point of view, and be willing to change for the good of your
marriage.
6. Avoid generalizing
"You're always putting down my family," Tom fumed to Becky as
they left his parent's house. "Can't you ever say anything nice
about them?"
"Always?" Becky yelled. "You think that I'm always putting down
your family?" Extreme words such as always, never, right, wrong,
good, or bad will cause your mate to be defensive and lash out at
you. These words generalize a situation without giving proof that
what you are saying is true. Stick to concrete examples of
present-day behavior. Then your spouse will have a vivid
illustration of his or her actions.
7. Avoid personal insults and character assassination
"Attacking your mate's character is the best way to make an enemy
for life," says Pastor Luke Perry. "To avoid this, it is
important to see the issue as the problem-not your spouse. This
is how God deals with us. He tells us of his infinite acceptance,
yet confronts us on issues that do not line up with his word."
Stay focused on the issue at hand. This will help you to remain
objective and express your thoughts clearly without alienating
your spouse through personal attacks.
8. Confront with truth. Affirm with love
"Honey, I really appreciate all of your hard work around the
house. But when I asked you to bring in the mail, you ignored my
wishes. Why is that?"
The best way to talk about something negative is to start with
something positive. Next, state the issue, and give your mate the
opportunity to reflect on the problem you've presented. Your
partner may not realize that their actions are upsetting you. And
when you give your spouse a chance to think things through, he or
she may surprise you with a positive response.
9. Listen to learn
"When couples come into my office we rarely deal with the real
issues during the first session," says Pastor Luke. "Sadly, many
couples have never learned the art of conversation. And they are
so buried in their hurts, they cannot put their feelings into
words."
Be ready to listen to your spouse after you confront him or her.
Just as you want to be heard, so does your spouse. If there are
hurt feelings involved, be patient as you wade through the tough
issues together.
As you ask your spouse to see from your perspective, be willing
to see from his or hers as well. Are there changes that need to
be made on your part? Confrontation can be an opportunity to
learn new things about your spouse, as well as develop greater
teamwork and accountability together.
10. Confront to heal, not to win
Some people view conflict and confrontation as a win-lose
situation. These spouses see being right as far more important
than the marital relationship. But working out a hurtful issue is
not about who's right and who's wrong. Your goal should not be to
win, but to confront a conflict and restore the harmony in your
relationship.Whenever possible, the solution to a problem should benefit both
parties. When both spouses feel good about a resolution, it will
reestablish the emotional bond between the two of you.
Confronting to heal instead of to win will keep your marriage on
healthy ground.
Simon Presland is a freelance writer from Essex, Ontario. He's
written for popular magazines and newspapers such as Marriage
Partnership, The Lookout, Canadian Homes and Cottages, The REV, ChristianWeek, and The Windsor Star.
Find More Related Info:
Also See:
Our Health and Wellness Center