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Why Marital Sex Often Dies
By Dr. Margaret Paul


A lack of sexuality is common in marriages. Research indicates
that over 55% of married women are not interested in having sex
with their husbands. There is a very good reason for this.


Research indicates that over 55% of married women are not
interested in having sex with their husbands. In my 35 years of
counseling couples, I've worked with many men who also are not
interested in sex with their wives. The problem is generally not
a lack of sexual desire - it's that they are not interested in
sex with their partner.

There is a very good reason for this.

Sexuality in long term relationships is the result of loving
energy flowing between two people. If something is blocking this
loving energy, the sexual energy between them often gets blocked
as well.

There may be many reasons for loving and sexual energy being
blocked, but the most common is what I call the "pull-resist
relationship system."

Here's how it works:

One partner, let's call him Bill, "pulls" on the other for time,
approval, attention, appreciation, as well as for sex. Bill may
pull with niceness, caretaking (giving in order to get something
back), gifts, withdrawal, anger, blame. These behaviors are a
"pull" when Bill is coming from an empty place within, a
vacuum-like black hole that wants to get filled through approval,
validation and sex. In fact, sex may be the main way, aside from
work, that Bill's worth as a man gets validated and his inner
emptiness gets filled up. It may be the main way that he feels
loved.

The other partner, let's call her Jan, rather than feeling loved
by the niceness, gifts, or withdrawal, anger and blame, feels
objectified. She feels that Bill is being nice or angry to
manipulate her into having sex - not because he genuinely wants
to give to her and express his love for her, but because he wants
to get love from her. He comes to her like a needy little boy,
wanting to get validated, filled, or released. She ends up
feeling used and drained when they have sex rather than loved.
Because she doesn't want to be used and controlled by Bill, and
because she is not attracted to him when he is being a needy
little boy, her whole body goes into resistance and she no longer
feel sexually attracted to him. Of course it could be the other
way around, with the woman pulling and the man resisting being
used and controlled by her.

In this pull-resist system between Bill and Jan, a number of
changes need to occur for the passion to come back into their
relationship. Bill needs to stop trying to control Jan. He needs
learn how to take responsibility for his own feelings and
well-being - for validating himself and filling himself with
love, rather than always trying to have control over getting
something from Jan. He needs to be practicing a spiritual healing
process such as Inner Bonding. Jan needs to learn to speak her
truth rather than either complying (having sex even when she
doesn't want to) or resisting. She needs to tell Bill that she is
not turned on to him when he is pulling on her for sex, or for
anything else such as time, attention, appreciation or approval.
Until she is ready to speak her truth without blame or judgement
about his emptiness and neediness, Bill cannot understand what
the problem is. He will think it is just because she is frigid or
has some other sexual problem, and will not understand his
responsibility in their marital system. Jan also needs to
practice Inner Bonding or some spiritual healing process in order
to become strong enough to speak her truth.

Most women are turned on to a man when he is in his power,
feeling good about himself. Neediness is not a turn-on. Men, too,
are often not turned on to a needy woman, a woman who needs him
to make love to her for her to feel safe, worthy and lovable. In
our society, it's more common for men to attempt to get their
validation through sex than it is for women, which is why more
men than women pull for sex. In either case, both partners need
to do their inner healing work so they can become strong enough
to be truly loving with themselves and each other.


Also See:

Having Better Marriages & Relationships

Women's Issues & Women's Health

Better Sex & Sexuality Issues

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