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What To Do When Your Children Won't Listen
When The Kids Won’t Listen
by Bill Knell
Are you about to drive a nail into your head? Have the kiddies
made you so crazy that you’ve asked your partner to smack you
right between the eyes with a baseball bat? Hey, with seven
children of my own, I have been there! Before you loose what’s
left of your sanity, let me offer a few suggestions.
Whether you have one child or many, they can make your life a
living nightmare if you don’t get to the root cause of the
problem and lay down some ground rules for the household. Let’s
start by looking at what the problem isn’t. The kids aren’t being
jerks because you are married, single, divorced or remarried.
Despite what many so called experts tell you, most children
develop their own agenda based on their own needs.
Trying to reason with children is ridiculous and comes from the
failed theory that we, as parents, have let them down in some
way. If you find yourself in a situation that may be less then
desirable for your child, explain it to them. This might be a
need to move, divorce, remarriage or the presence of a step
parent. Let your child know that you love them and really care
about them, but never apologize for your family situation. Never
tell kids, “Dad and I are getting a divorce, but we want you to
know that it’s not your fault.” Just the use of the word ‘fault’
and the inclusion of the child in the process, immediately has
the opposite affect intended. Make sure that you explain any new
or expected change to your family situation to your child or
children as far in advance as possible. This fosters trust and
helps reassure them.
Children should never be made to feel guilty for whatever
situation the family finds itself in. Most kids act out because
parents knowingly or unknowingly place guilt on them. Why?
Because kids aren’t emotionally prepared or able to deal with
guilt. Making children feel bad for no reason is a losing
situation. That doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be held
responsible for bad acts. If your child does something that
injures another, destroys or does damage to your home, endangers
their own welfare or shows severe disrespect for an adult, there
should be consequences. Those consequences should always include
a specific punishment that lasts for a specific period of time.
My older son had a bad habit of not checking in with me and
staying out past whatever time I told him to be home. Given the
problem of child abductions, I always insist on knowing where my
kids are and limit their ability to be anywhere by themselves.
When he was eleven years old, my son went over to play with a
friend on a Saturday morning. I knew where he was and had the
phone number to his friend‘s house. But when my son hadn’t
checked in with us by four o’clock in the afternoon, I called his
friend only to find that he had left hours before. Given that, my
wife and I set out to find him and spent the next several hours
frantically looking for him.
Finally, just as we were about to involve the Police, my son
walked in the door at nearly eight thirty in the evening. He
explained how that he had joined in with another group of friends
to play some football and lost track of time. That incident upset
the entire family and, needless to say, could have ended very
differently. As a result, I grounded my son for three months. Why
so harsh? Because he had been late before and I knew that he was
putting his own life and well being in jeopardy by engaging in
this sort of behavior. He learned his lesson and never failed to
check in with me after that. Most missing kids are missing either
because their parents allowed them to freely roam the streets or
they failed to listen to their parents and be where they were
supposed to be. Setting limits can avoid tragedy.
The biggest need most kids have is for a portion of your time.
Not giving it to them is a certain recipe for bad behavior. If
you will not give them your time and attention, they will do
something bad to get it. Once you allow some time for a child,
see what interests them the most. Some children are readers,
others like to draw and all like to play. Being a Speaker, I have
spent a lot of time on the road. When I was home, I made sure to
involve my kids in everything I did. I bought a huge bin of play
blocks and placed it in my home office for my younger children.
They were always welcome to come in and play while I worked. I
encouraged my older kids to answer the phone and help send faxes.
Sure, it made things a bit harder for me, but I knew it was the
right thing to do.
The greatest problem that parents face today is deciding how much
they love their children. Sound strange? Loving your kids means
having to give up a certain things in favor of raising happy and
healthy individuals. If you love yourself more then your kids,
get ready for a rough ride. I have met more then just a few
parents who hand their kids a key to the house, order a pizza,
throw them a c-note and head out for a skiing weekend. Others
move from relationship to relationship with absolutely no
interest in how it may affect their children. Loving your kids
doesn’t mean having to give up everything, never going out or
having no love life. But it does require that you provide them
with as stable an environment as possible and take them into
consideration when you make personal or family decisions.
Stability means responsibility. Allowing children to be by
themselves for extended periods of time is a formula for
disaster. While it might seem fun to them at first, most will
grow to resent it and try and get back at you by getting in
trouble. If you’re the kind of parent that still acts as though
they had no children or are reliving your teen years, don’t
bother wondering why your kids have problems. Refusing to be a
responsible parent has nothing to do with being married, single,
divorced, separated or remarried. Those are your choices and you
have the right to make them. What it does mean is that you will
be there when they need you, dispense reasonable punishment when
it’s required and make time for them. If both parents are present
in the home, they should always present a united front when
dealing with their children. Problems begin when parents fight in
front of the kids, disagree with each other on privileges for
them or allow unacceptable behavior to go unpunished.
If you have problem kids or kid problems, it may be because you
do not spell out what household opportunities are privileges to
be earned, and which are merely a part of living in the home. In
our house privileges are watching TV or videos, going on the
computer, being allowed outside to play and being taken out to
the movies, a restaurant, the library or other entertainment.
Houses Rules include no fighting, mutual respect, chores to be
done and obeying parents. If the rules get broken, privileges are
cut back or discontinued for a period of time. We help our kids
to learn responsibility by assigning chores and never asking them
to do anything we haven’t done or aren’t willing to do ourselves.
When it’s time to clean the house, we all chip in and get the job
done.
It’s disturbing to see children who are allowed to run wild with
no expectation of responsibility from them. Irresponsible kids
often have irresponsible parents. Part of being responsible means
teaching kids to be good neighbors and being a good neighbor
yourself. I am glad that my kids go up to the neighbors and offer
to help when furniture needs to be moved, a dog is lost and needs
to found or when a babysitter is needed. This doesn’t mean that I
haven’t had to break up free for alls when the kids go at it!
Nobody’s perfect and any parent can expect their fair share of
trouble when it comes to dealing with children.
Got problem teens? Welcome to the club! A teen undergoes a lot of
physical and emotional changes which helps to prepare them for
life without Mom and Dad. A recent study showed that even the
electric activity in their brains may go a bit haywire during
that time. So how do you handle them? Most parents make the
classic mistake of either being too strict or too lenient with
teens. It’s like walking a tightrope, but the key is to start
treating them more like adults, then naughty little kids. Loosen
the reigns just enough to give them self-respect. Let your teen
know that you understand their need for self-assertion, but
always set reasonable limits. When the limits are tested or
abused, lay down the law and cut back their privileges.
Make sure your teen always feels welcome at home. Many teens run
away or stay out until all hours because a parent creates a home
life that is not comfortable or even tolerable for them. Move
your teen into the circle of adults in the house by involving
them more in your life. Invite them to watch TV with you, join in
discussions and attend events that you attend. Allow them to help
you do more advanced chores or fix up jobs like painting the
house or taking care of younger brothers and sisters. Teens need
encouragement, but they also need something to do.
Encourage your teen to get involved with school activities,
perform volunteer work and even get a job. Many teens lack focus,
self respect and fail to develop a good work ethic because they
are denied the ability to work. During my college years I worked
several jobs at the same time. One was as a guard. The hours were
from around six in the evening until midnight. At the end of my
shift, I would have to wait for a supervisor to show up and claim
my radio and the keys to my patrol vehicle. All of my supervisors
were also college students, but most were in graduate studies and
a bit older then me. Every night I would get very frustrated
because they would come up to an hour late. Already tired from
working several jobs and trying to study, it was beyond annoying
to find out that a card game or date was the reason. When I
confronted one of them about it, he said, “Look, Bill, I’m sorry,
But none of us make much money here and this isn’t a real job
anyway!”
The implication was that they could be as lazy as they wanted
because the security job wasn’t part of their career plans. It
was just a stop along the way. In fact, most of them had never
before worked a day in their lives and wouldn’t be working at
that job except for a need to start building a background in
management. They had no clue what commitment was and didn’t
realize that the way they acted at this job, was likely to be the
way they would act in any employment situation. Bums aren’t born,
they’re made!
For most teens, a job can provide focus. It can also help them
learn the value of a dollar. I have met too many college students
in deep financial trouble because the credit cards just kept
coming and their parents just kept paying the bill. When it came
time for them to get used to paying their own monthly bills, then
spending whatever was left, they just couldn’t do it! More then a
few young executives I’ve met are still living in rent by the
month situations because their credit report isn’t even good
enough to obtain a rental lease. Bad habits die hard, so try and
help your teen not to develop any.
The good news is that once you decide to take control of a bad
situation, things will get better. The bad news is that it might
take some time. But most kids will come around because they crave
attention and are smart enough to understand that the limits you
set are there because you love them. If your child or teen has a
severe behavioral problem that you are unable to cope with or you
suspect they are involved with drugs, seek professional help
immediately. http://bkspeaks.cjb.net
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