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Honesty: The Key to a Good Relationship?
Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
A coaching client recently told me, "I'm convinced if two
people are totally honest, they can be married." As a
dating coach for midlifers, I hear from a lot of folks who
are dating. I also stay current with the dating scene on
the Internet, and read the profiles people write. Men often
say that "honesty" is crucial for a relationship, while
women rarely do. Let's take a look at this.
First I'm going to speculate as to why men say this and
women don't, and then I want to talk about the place of
honesty in a relationship.
As we know from research, and such books as "If Men Could
Talk: Unlocking the Secret Language of Men,"
by Alon Gratch, Ph.D., men, as a rule, have more trouble
verbalizing emotions, something most of us would also agree
is crucial to an intimate relationship. Not that we need to
talk about emotions all the time, but that it's necessary to
know what you feel and to be able to communicate it when
necessary. It becomes particularly important when the
relationship meets an impasse. You need to what the problem
really is. Are you picking on her about her outfit because
you haven't had sex in 4 days? Are you accusing him of
ignoring you all the time, when really he does a fair job
most of the time, but tonight you're hungry and tired?
According to Emotional Intelligence research, men and women
test the same overall, but men, on average, are not as
empathic as women (Reuven BarOn). Simon-Baron, Cambridge
professor of psychology and psychiatry agrees. His thesis
in "The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and
Female Brain," is: "The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for
empathy. The male brain is predominantly hard-wired for
understanding and building systems."
Of course the "average" man, statistically speaking, is not
necessarily the individual sitting in front of you. But
where there's smoke there's fire.
So why the male emphasis on "honesty"? And are they
referring to honesty about thoughts, feelings, facts, or
what? If what we're being honest about is "the truth," how
we feel is indisputable, and many facts are, but the truth
of any given situation is relative, most of us would agree,
or our relationships would not become the imbroglios they do
"Mr. and Mrs. Smith does a great job or portraying marriage,
and beings with him saying they've been married 5 years, and
her saying "6". If there's an absolute truth ("reality"),
it's of little use in human relations.
Men engage more in what's called "selective remembering."
He remembers the games he won, not the games he lost. He
remembers when to change the oil in the car, but not his
girl-friend's birthday. Selective listening may be part of
it. He hears that the prime rate has gone down, but not
that you'd like more time with him. I couldn't help wonder
if this client would hear "honesty" if it were given.
"Honesty", I think, is a systems-word. Women, in their
profiles, are more likely to focus on behaviors. "No
philanderers," they say, and "no addicts." You see the
difference . if he's unfaithful and honest about it ,
they're still not interested. Doh.
Women use language to connect, and are more hard-wired for
emotion. They enjoy experiencing it and talking about it,
while men consider emotions a call to discharge by action.
They are not as likely to use a verbal strategy to deal with
a feeling.
Women have a larger corpus callosum, so it's easier for us
to talk about emotions. TALKING about a FEELING is
multi-tasking, and one of the hardest things we ask our
brains to do.
Women also say thousands more words a day than men do.
Testosterone causes silence. Men talk about facts and want
clarity and brevity. Women also, according to Reuven
Bar-on, have a greater sense of social responsibility. Does
this preclude honesty? When we meet for lunch, we greet
each other as Nancy, and Kelly, and Meg. Men? Fatso, and
Stupid and Loser. Are men being more "honest"? If so, are
they being less socially responsible, i.e., not caring if
they hurt the other guy's feelings? I can't imagine a man's
feelings being hurt by that, yet no woman would greet
another woman with Big Butt, Drama Queen, or Boobless
Wonder, though they might think it.
Would being 100% honest insure the survival of a
relationship? No. The person might be "honest" about the
fact that they could not live with you any more and were
filing for divorce. Do men say this because they're
attempting to systemize, with rules? Or because they've
found women to be "dishonest"?
I've heard more than one man say, "I don't know why she left
me. I thought we had a perfect marriage. (Women divorce
men more often than vice versa.) Variations include, "She
was deceptive. I didn't know anything was wrong," and "She
told me why she was leaving, but it doesn't make any sense."
A plea for "honesty" might be a plea for comprehensibility.
A female client told me she told her man, "I love but, you I
don't like you right now." He said she was being dishonest,
"because you can't be both at once". It didn't fit his
system or either/or. Honesty, I think, or the reporting of
it, requires clear, logical thinking. Who's clear and
logical when fighting with a lover? Or listening to one?
If you're a man, are you listening, as in hearing? This
means hearing the feelings, not assessing the facts. If
you're a woman, are you being clear? Women tend to know
sooner when a relationship is headed for trouble and attempt
to address it. If you're a man, are you hearing this as
"being told what to do"?
I think this plea from men for honesty is a wish to be able
to understand the woman they love (and themselves in the
relationship). They want facts and clarity. However, to
understand others, you must first understand yourself, and
this means feelings. Honesty, alas, begins at home.
As a concept that I believe is both unachievable and
potentially destructive, I tend to agree with Graham Greene:
"The truth has never been of any real value to any human
being - it is a symbol for mathematicians and philosophers
to pursue. In human relations, kindness and lies are worth
a thousands truths." It is nearly impossible for me to
outright lie, about either a fact or a feeling, but I will
at times do what the Arabs propose: "It is good to know the
truth, but it is better to speak of palm trees." Discretion
is the better part of valor.
There's something else to consider about being honest:
Whether it's true or not, it's true. As John Lilly said,
"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true
either is true or becomes true."
Now, what about total honesty between two people?
Kindness may be of more value. Honesty should not be used
as the weapon it can be. One of the cruelest things we can
do is to use an intimate revelation against the person who
said it. We know how to hurt the people we love. It's part
of our obligation as a decent human beings not to do this.
"Better a lie that heals than a truth that wounds," say the
Czechs.
Should you be honest about your feelings? Yes . but. Let's
say he wants sex and you don't. It's one thing to say, "I
don't feel like it now. I had a terrible day at work," and
even possible to say, "Not until you've taken a shower and
put on some deodorant." But to say, "No, you're the worst
lover I've ever had, and like you were saying about your
ex-wife the other night ." That sort of "honesty" is
inexcusable, and, if not true, soon will be.
There's no easy solution to this. I researched the world's
proverbs on this subject we all struggle with. Most were in
the vein of "Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine
villages." (African). The Corsicans stood out: "He who
tells the truth will never be unhappy," they say. Maybe the
answer lies in the Arab proverb: "When you shoot an arrow
of truth, dip its point in honey."
An intimate relationship isn't a system, it's a dance, and
the music is emotions. Developing your EQ is essential, so
you can learn to know, manage and express your emotions
better, and to practice the competency of forgiveness, which
will always be needed.
Sometimes the most honest thing you can say is, "I don't
know what to say now," and the most helpful thing you can
say is, "I love you." And keep in mind, to paraphrase
Thomas Leonard, we're all doing our very best, even when
clearly we're not.
Not what are you going to say, honestly, to your loved
one when she says, "Does my butt look fat in these pants?"
and when he says, "Am I a good lover?" You can always
got to a feeing, and here are some:
I feel uncomfortable when you ask me that.
I'm wondering why you ask.
I love you.
Let's talk about what you're really wanting to know.
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc .
Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional
intelligence for your personal and professional success. We
coach and train EQ coaches internationally.
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