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The 10 Commandments of Great Love Relationships
Mark Sichel, LCSW
1. THOU SHALT THINK.
Think before you speak and react, especially if you know the
potential for fireworks exists. Sometimes the words will only fan the
flames and take you further away from your goal of resolution.
2. THOU SHALT CLEAN YOUR SPLEEN.
Write a brutally honest letter to your wife, husband or lover telling
them all the bad feelings and thoughts you've ever had about them.
Drop the letter into your personal "dead letter box"; and move on
with a smile on your face.
3. THOU SHALT NOT ARGUE WITH FEELINGS. THOU
SHALT LEARN TO LISTEN, LISTEN TO LEARN.
Sometimes your wife needs to tell you how disappointed and upset she
is with you. Sometimes your husband needs to go on a diatribe about
how you "neglect" him. Sometimes your partner needs to express his or
her resentment about the way you've treated them. You can't argue
with feelings. Listen when your mate expresses strong feelings.
Rather than argue and try to insist that your partner shouldn't be
feeling what they're feeling, understand that they ARE feeling that
way and simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Try to put
yourself in their shoes and give them the empathy that you would want
yourself.
4. THOU SHALT UNDERSTAND THAT PRIVACY IS GOLDEN.
While a good relationship involves honesty, saying every single thing
that comes into your mind and sharing every feeling is not conducive
to true intimacy. Intruding into your partners every thought and
feeling is not going to create greater togetherness. Create
boundaries and set limits. You know how much contact you can take
and how much will ignite your nuclear bomb.
5. THOU SHALT REMEMBER OCCASIONS AND EVENTS.
Remember birthdays and anniversaries. Buy a gift, or make one. This
activity is not about spending money. This is a testament that your
mate is making you the most important person in their life. Tune in
to your partner's unique likes and dislikes and acknowledge these in
an emotionally generous manner. Whatever the occasion, a card and
gift makes people feel remembered, and when people feel remembered
they feel loved and closer to one another.
6. THOU SHALT NOT OVERREACT. EVER.
When partners feel neglected, they often will create a scenario that
invites your overreaction. Overreactions cause all out wars. Don't do
it! If you want to win in your relationship, stay off the
battlefield. Assess a dispute with your partner. Is it really worth
fighting over? Sometimes couples will get lost in a war of words.
Repeat to your self, "They're only words."
7. THOU SHALT BE POSITIVE, APPRECIATIVE, AND INTERESTED.
Sometimes people forget to focus on the positives in a relationship.
Tell your wife how beautiful she is, tell your husband how good he
looks. Express to your mate those things you appreciate about them.
Reflect on ways in which you are grateful to be with the person you
love. If you have difficulty knowing how to verbalize these
attributes and organizing your thinking in this area, try
Psybersquare's "Appreciation List."
8. THOU SHALT RESPECT THY MATE.
Treat your mate with respect and dignity. Don't curse. Don't hit
below the belt. Do anything to avoid violence. Do not let familiarity
breed contempt. When there's a lack of harmony, use a polite and
cordial stance in order to end the conflict. Learn your mate's daily
rhythms. If your wife is not a morning person, don't bring up
sensitive issues before she's had her morning coffee. If your husband
gets tired and cranky when returning from work, leave him alone to
regroup for an hour or so and then tell him your mother's coming to
visit for a month. Respect is the sum total of all the accumulated
small and large considerations that you afford your mate. Take them
one at a time.
9. THOU SHALT REMEMBER: WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET.
Do not ever try to change your spouse more than they themselves would
like to change. Partners are doomed to failure when they try to
change each other. Accept your mate for who he or she is and rejoice
in the fact that they accept you for who you are.
10. THOU SHALT UNDERSTAND THAT SHARED EXPERIENCES, INTERESTS AND
COMPANIONSHIP BUILD RELATIONSHIPS.
When people have difficulty getting close with each other, they often
try to talk their way through it. Sometimes all the talking in the
world cannot replace having a good time with your partner. Make sure
to spend time together. When there are children in your lives, make
sure you guard your time together as a couple like a hawk. Get away
for weekends together. Plan romantic dinners. Focus on intimacy,
sensuality, and physicality. Take an interest in your partner's
interests; if your wife likes ballet get two tickets. If you're a
sports widow, make an effort to watch a game with your spouse. Two
hours at the ballet won't kill you; two hours at a hockey game won't
kill you. Rediscover each other as the friends you started off as.
Copyright 2004: Mark Sichel is a psychotherapist, consultant, and
speaker on a broad range of issues related to family, mental health,
and interpersonal problems. He is the editor and principal author of
the award winning self-help website, www.psybersquare.com. For a
more detailed guide to overcoming the panic brought on by
dysfunctional family experiences, read Mark Sichel's new book,
Healing From Family Rifts : Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being
Cut Off From a Family. For more information about this book visit
the author's website: www.marksichel.com
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