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Ending Relationships Gracefully
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, "How
do I end a relationship without hurting someone's feelings?"
Whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending
it gracefully is generally a challenge.
The problem arises because so many people see it as a
reflection of their worth when someone doesn't want to be
with them. "If I was good enough, this person would want to
be with me, so there must be something wrong with me."
There is another way to see this. The way I see it is that
for each of us there is a relatively small number of people
with whom we feel a deep connection. Whether you want to
explain this as due to being part of the same soul group in
the spiritual realm, or to having similar energies, or to
chemistry, the fact is that we don't feel connected to most
people. Just because I don't feel connected with someone
doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them. Just because
you don't feel drawn to spend time with someone doesn't mean
there is anything wrong with that person, and just because
someone doesn't connect with you doesn't mean there is
anything wrong with you. It's just the way things are, and
it has nothing to do with there being anything wrong with
anyone.
So if I say to someone, "I don't feel a strong connection
between us," I am simply stating a fact. I am not making a
judgment about the person's adequacy or worth.
All of us meet perfectly wonderful people with whom we just
don't feel a connection. The person might be very
attractive, have similar interests to us, and even be on a
similar growth path or spiritual path. Yet we just don't
connect. The spark that ignites friendship or romance just
doesn't exist. If we could all accept that someone not
wanting to be with us has nothing to do with our worth, we
would not get hurt when someone says no to a relationship.
I don't pretend to understand all the factors that create
connection between two people. All I know is that all of us
have the experience of connection with another that occurs
deeply and rapidly, as well as the experience of a lack of
connection. Many people have had the experience of being
fixed up with someone because a friend said, "I just know
you two will like each other. You are so similar," only to
discover a complete lack of connection. Katie, a client of
mine, recently said to me, "Everyone said Rick is perfect
for me. We look good together, we have similar interests and
backgrounds, we are the same religion, we are equal
educationally, and he is a really sweet guy. I kept thinking
that if I just gave it time, I would feel the connection.
But it never happened. I felt so badly breaking up with him
because there is nothing wrong with him, but the connection
just isn't there."
Is it anyone's fault that the chemistry or connection isn't
there? Of course not! There is nothing wrong with either
Katie or Rick. The connection just isn't there for Katie.
She couldn't make it be there. She ended up saying to Rick,
"You are a really terrific guy. I wish I felt the connection
with you that I want to have with a partner, but I don't.
It's not your fault – it's just not there."
Whether or not Rick felt hurt by this is really up to him.
Katie can't take responsibility for how he feels. If Rick
has the belief system that not everyone will feel connected
with everyone, he will not feel hurt. If he has the belief
system that if a woman doesn't connect with him, there is
something wrong with him, he will feel hurt. His hurt will
come from his belief system, not from the fact that Katie
broke up with him.
Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking our truth
without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for
another's feelings. Randi, another one of my clients,
recently told me that she was able to tell the truth rather
than give herself up to avoid hurting someone. A friend had
introduced her to Barb, thinking that Randi and Barb had a
lot in common and could be good friends. Randi got together
with Barb and felt no connection. In fact, she felt the
opposite. While Randi felt that Barb was a sweet person, she
also felt Barb's energy pulling on her in various ways.
While some people might not mind needy energy, or even find
it endearing, Randi didn't like it at all. She was pleased
with herself because she was able to tell Barb that she just
didn't feel a connection with her. Randi was able to let go
of taking responsibility for Barb's feelings if Barb felt
hurt by this.
Is there always a way of breaking up or saying no to a
relationship without someone getting hurt? No. But by gently
speaking your truth, you can gracefully end a relationship,
and if you accept that another's feelings come from his or
her belief system, then you won't feel guilty if the other
person feels hurt.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful
Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!
Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com
Phone sessions available.
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