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Women: When Dating, Don't Give the Cow Away with
the Milk
Susan Dunn, MA, EQ & Relationship Coach
If you're dating again after a divorce and have
concerns, they're legitimate. If you jump in
planning just to have fun, you can, but if your
intent turns to something serious, you'll find the
road less bumpy with some tips.
It's important to separate dating-behaviors, from
marital-behaviors. Otherwise, you can be so glad
to meet someone you care about that you go
overboard and scare him off (which aborts your
goals), or get taken advantage of (which can build
increasing resentment which infects future
relationships). Here are some common problem
areas to consider:
1. Overcompensating;
2. Doing the OPPOSITE;
3. Doing things you love to do that don't work in
dating;
4. Thinking it means something if he dates you or
does it with you.
Successful dating depends on resolving issues from
the past (what therapy is for), and avoiding
adding new ones (what coaching is for).
OVERCOMPENSATING
I'm sure there are no witches out there! When a
relationship fails, both parties slack off on
relationship-vitals like consideration, listening,
paying attention to the other, and expressing love
and affection. We stop doing these things because
the relationship has failed, not vice versa.
Making up for this by doing these things too early
in dating is counter-productive. (If you recognize
you need help, of course please get it.)
You both need time and space to figure out your
feelings. It feels good, but is it "love" or
"infatuation"? Are you a good match, or are you
just two lonely people?
What he gets easily, he won't value. It isn't
"mean" to turn down a date because you have plans.
Constancy and commitment come with marriage. He
needs to work for this sort of special treatment.
If you roll over and play dead, you'll create a
monster. It's human nature to take someone for
granted who makes themselves available for it.
If you act like you're married when you're dating,
it's likely to be perceived as desperation or
excessive neediness. More than a few men on the
dating websites say they want, "Someone who
doesn't count on me for their happiness / doesn't
try and make me her whole life." This is what
they're getting at. I know it isn't what YOU
think you're doing, but it's what the GUY thinks
you're doing, so that's the reality.
Having just seen Mozart's, "Don Giovanni," I'll
quote from the opera: "If it begins too sweetly,
it's likely to end bitterly."
DOING THE OPPOSITE
It's best to avoid extremes, and opposites are
really the same thing. If, for instance, you were
married to a controlling man, you may find
yourself attracted to men so out-of-control
themselves they could never "control" you. The
issue however, remains the same: control. And the
outcome isn't any better.
Or maybe you weren't "independent" enough, so you
take every opportunity to show him you're your own
woman, so much so you won't let him get anywhere
near you emotionally.
Don't change your "self" unless YOU feel there's a
need to. Your partner's parting words may have been
"You talk too much," or "You're too shy," but
consider the circumstances and the source. One
man's "too shy" is another man's "just the girl for
me."
Intellectually, you know that trying to change
yourself for each man isn't going to work, but own
it emotionally, because it's seductive. He'll
like it, yes he will, but you'll lose in the end
-- your self-regard, your "self," and the man.
DOING THINGS FOR HIM
A coaching client called to tell me what a
wonderful time she was having with a man she'd
just met. "Finally there's someone I can shower
with affection," she said. "I love being able to
have a warm meal on the table for him every night
when he comes over after work ."
RED ALERT: This is getting ahead of the game.
When you come on with all the perks of marriage,
he'll take them - who wouldn't? - but it doesn't
mean anything about how he feels about you. It
doesn't allow him the time and space to maneuver,
which he needs to do, and you need for him to do.
Work up to these things.
You don't start symphony with all the cymbals and
trumpets blaring! That comes in the last act.
POINT FOUR
Surveys reveal that men quickly sort women into
"dating only," or "marriage." Make sure you're
reading off the same page before you get too
involved. Time together are NOT what will
tell you which you are to him. For more on this,
see my ebook, "Midlife Dating Survival Manual for
Women."
These first four points have to do with resolving
past issues, pacing, and authenticity.
HOMEWORK: Men will try this, just because they
do. When he tells you not to do something - i.e.,
stop wearing makeup, or wear dresses instead of
pants -- resist all urges to blindly comply.
Stick to what you normally do. A concession or
two as time goes by, but don't start dancing like
a puppet on a string, or he'll lose respect for
you, even though in the short-term, you'll get
those feel-good strokes.
TOUCHSTONE: If you find yourself constantly
comparing the new guy to the old one, it probably
means you aren't ready for serious dating. If
HE'S doing that, don't reinforce it by acting
interested, and if it doesn't slack off rapidly,
move on.
Sadly, you will meet some wonderful men who just
aren't ready. You must chalk these up to "bad
timing." It happens to the best of us.
Don't let your "mothering" instincts get the
better of you. If you try and "help" him, what's
most likely to occur is you'll get a lot of
backlash and then get dumped because men consider
getting help "being told what to do," and they
hate it. Again, this doesn't mean he won't accept
it, for a while. Don't feel bad about not doing it,
because (2) someone else will, and (2) it actually
impedes his recovery process. He needs to go
through this alone. If you get in the picture, he
can shove all that emotional baggage over on you,
and not deal with. Reason enough??
And do The Work yourself, so some delicious man
isn't telling his friend, "She just wasn't ready."
DON'T GIVE THE COW AWAY WITH THE MILK
Your mother may have uddered this, I mean uttered
it, in reference to favors, but it applies
to ALL favors. Unless you're interested in a
string of relationships where you give a lot and
get diminishing returns, and build up resentment
which makes further relationships more difficult,
avoid bestowing on a complete stranger the
behaviors and privileges appropriate to marriage.
Look at them as REWRDS and give him hints ONLY of
things to look forward to.
Getting savvy and taking care of yourself pays off
in the long-run. You aren't "playing games," you
are in a new game, and you need to know the rules.
Every one of these can be broken, but the only
people who can break rules successfully, are those
who learned them in the first place.
Good luck!
©Susan Dunn, MA, EQ & Relationship Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc .
Coaching, Internet
courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence
for your personal, dating, and professional
success. I train and certify EQ coaches
internationally. Email for information on this
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