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How Compatible Are You and Your Partner?
Kim Olver
What are the things you argue about? Where are the disagreements? The
small resentments? Where do you have to give in to get along?
Do you argue over money? Are you fighting over sex? Do you have
different ideas about how much time you should spend together and
apart? Do you squabble over extended family and friends? Is one of
you daring and reckless, while the other wants to play things safe?
Does one of you want to be right all the time? Does one of you want t
o always be in control? Do you disagree about the fun activities in your life?
Couples may have conflict over many areas but do you know there is
a simple explanation for the conflict? When looking for a life partner,
it is a good idea to take a close look at your “Need Strength Profile”,
based on Dr. William Glasser’s work in the area of Choice Theory.
This simple assessment will determine where you and your partner
are in terms of the five basic needs and help you determine what
areas are compatible and what areas should generate discussion
and possible compromise and negotiation.
There is a free assessment at www.therelationshipcenter.biz on the
"Free Stuff" page that will provide a rudimentary understanding of
where you are with regard to the five basic human needs of Choice
Theory---love & belong, survival, power, freedom and fun. If you
are seeking compatibility in a relationship, you and your partner
can both take this assessment and then discuss your results based
on the rest of this article.
The first need is called love & belonging. It is the need that determines
how much connection you require with others. Generally speaking,
relationships work best when you have equivalent strengths of the
love & belonging need. This is the need that will help you determine
as a couple how much time you spend together and how much time
is needed apart. Loving sex and romance is another aspect of this
need, as are extended family and friends.
The second of the five basic needs is survival. This is so much more
than just the need to physically survive, although that is part of it. It
is also the psychological need to feel safe and secure. Areas of
potential conflict around this need involve the ability to adapt to
change, how you spend and save money, preparations one makes
for safety, spontaneity, among other things.
The third of the human needs is power, which can be a difficult need
to understand because power generally has a negative connotation
associated with it. When people hear "power" they often think of
one person exerting their power over another person. While this is
one way, albeit not the best way, to meet one's power need, there
are two other ways which are more responsible and palatable.
There are three ways to meet one's need for power---power over
others, power with others and power within ourselves. Power over
others is not a responsible way to meet one's power need because
it interferes with the other person getting his or her needs met. There
are plenty of people who use power over others but I am advocating
for the other two ways when seeking compatibility in relationships.
When people have a high need for power, they are born driven to get
this need met. They don’t know how to get it met; they just know
they must find power. Often, you can observe in small children the
tendency to power over others. Then, hopefully, life teaches children
the other two ways to seek power.
When you look for "power with" others, it means that you are able to
work cohesively with a group of people to advance toward a
common goal. Many winning sports teams display this "power
with" concept, as well as effective work teams and even fully
functioning families. "Power with" others can be a very satisfying
way of meeting one’s power needs.
The final way to meet one’s need for power is "power within" oneself.
This is generally seen as a need for pride or competence. Those with
a high power need who meet it through power within methods like
to always do their best. They may seem to be perfectionistic but
producing their best is very need satisfying to them.
In relationships, this power need accounts for workaholism, people
who always need to control everything around them and a low
degree of tolerance for imperfection in others. The power need
has a big influence in interpersonal relationships.
The fourth need to discuss is the need for freedom. People with a
high need for freedom are independent and like to do things their
own way. High freedom need people generally don't like rules---
particularly ones that don't make sense. They also value their time
alone. They like to do what they want, when they want.
There is usually an inverse relationship between the love & belonging
and the freedom needs. When a person has a high need for love &
belonging, he or she typically has a lower need for freedom and
vice versa. Of course, there are exceptions but typically there is
an opposite relationship between the two.
The last of Choice Theory’s basic human needs is fun. Fun seems
pretty straightforward but there are some subtleties to it that are
necessary to understand. There are basically three kinds of fun.
There is the loud, energetic kind of fun that people might get from
physical activity and parties, for example. There is the quiet, relaxing
kind of fun that might be enjoyed by fishing, lying in a hammock on
a warm summer’s day or reading for pleasure. Then there is
learning as fun.
Now, I’m not talking about when you learned algebra! For most of
us that wasn’t fun but I am talking about learning something you are
interested in that has useful application for you. For me, the best
example is when I learned how to downhill ski and made it the
first time down the slope without falling and getting snow down
my jacket, up my pant legs and various other places! It is the
sheer joy of learning something that interests you. Everyone has
various ways of meeting their fun needs and it is these differences
that can drastically affect your satisfaction in your relationship.
It is not always true that in order for your relationship to succeed,
you must have equal or almost equal need strengths in all five needs.
For some needs, it is best when one of you is high and one of you
is low in that need.
Go to
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
and take the free assessment today. It’s on the “Free Stuff” page,
with a link provided on the home page. See what the assessment has
to say. If you have some questions, join me in my chat room during
one of my scheduled chats to discuss it, leave me a message on
my blog (click on the “View our Web Journal” link on the home
page) or check the events calendar for upcoming workshops.
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