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Why won’t my child do as I say?
In speaking with parents a
comment I frequently hear is “My child won’t listen!” Repeated attempts in
trying to get a child to co-operate often lands on deaf ears and leaves
parents feeling exhausted and helpless. Frequently we say things we later
regret and become riddled with guilt. Usual attempts often include nagging,
yelling, spanking, time out, lecturing and threats. Despite consistently not
getting the results we’re looking for, we resort to the same methods time and
time again. We usually use what we were taught to use by our own parents.
Although we often resolve to ourselves that we will do things differently and
not resort to some of their methods of parenting, we do. It seems to be
automatic. This is not intended to be an article about blaming our parents,
rather an understanding of why we do what we do and provide some alternative
responses. There were no parenting courses for our parents and they all did
the best they knew how.
Consider for a moment your
own internal response when someone you know demands that you do something or
that you to stop doing something. For the most part, we instantly become
defensive and decide that we’ll do as we please. We feel robbed of our power
and control. We often feel attacked and want to attack back. Children have
the same internal response when we use a hostile tone of voice and demand that
something be stopped or that something be accomplished.
Simply by rephrasing our
request and using a more positive tone we can often get the result we’re
looking for. If children don’t feel attacked there is less of a need to
become defensive and if they feel they can hold on to some power there is less
of a need to gain power. “Stop that right now!!” can be rephrased to: “As
soon as you stop doing that, I’ll know you’re ready to go the park.” “Pick
up your toys right now or they’re all going into the garbage!!!” can be
changed to: “I need you to pick up your toys before you watch your program.
I can help. Do you want to pick up the lego or the cars?” “Get into the car
right now!!!” can be changed to: “We need to go out in the car now. What toy
do you want to bring with you?” When attempting to get your child to pick up
toys, without raising your voice you can try saying: “As soon as you’ve put
your train set away, I’ll know you’re ready for your snack.” Also, a “no!”
response to a child can often be turned into a “yes”. “Can I have a cookie?”
Instead of saying no you can say: “Yes, as soon as we get home, or as soon as
you’ve finished your lunch, or later this afternoon…” Nagging and lecturing
as a way to engage a child is almost guaranteed to evoke a defiant response.
It’s seen as a form of attack which makes us all; young and old respond
defensively.
Children will learn to
respect us more when we show respect towards them. They also learn how to
show respect towards others. Do you sometimes hear yourself when overhearing
your child playing with another child? I’ve often heard parents say: “Oh my
gosh! She sounds just like me!” Often times, we don’t like what we hear but
we can choose to use what we hear out of our of children’s mouths as an
opportunity to make some positive changes to our parenting. Children are
great mimics. If we want them to treat others respectfully, we first of all
have to model respect.
By no means does this mean
allowing them to do as they please or condoning unacceptable behavior. They
need strongly defined limits but within those limits we need to allow them to
make acceptable choices. Strongly defined limits means establishing simple,
enforceable rules, deciding on appropriate consequences for misbehaviors and
following through, and being consistent.
Barb Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach
Give your children your best so that they can become their best.
web site:
http://www.theparentingcoach.com
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