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The Jerk is Never Me
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D
Author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-
defeating Behavior"
Copyright Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. 2003. All rights reserved
----------------
Comedian George Carlin once remarked, "Have your ever noticed?
Anyone going slower than you is an idiot. Anyone going faster
than you is a maniac."
When we observe someone else's behavior -- especially negative
behavior -- we attribute it to their personality. But when we
make a mistake ourselves, we are inclined to blame the situation.
Thus, when I'm driving fast, it's not because I'm a "maniac" but
because I'm in a hurry. My fast driving is no reflection on my
character, but rather the result of a rushed situation.
Similarly, if you accidentally break something, you tend to
explain it as caused by something outside yourself, e.g., that
the object was slippery or that the handle came loose. But if
your child breaks something you are more apt to conclude that
he's careless.
Here's another example. Suppose your spouse or roommate asked you
to pick up some milk on the way home, and you forgot. You'd
probably explain your forgetting in situational terms, e.g., that
it was a busy day or that more important things were demanding
your attention.
Now assume the tables were turned, and it was the other person
who forgot to buy milk. Quite likely you would view this lapse as
a reflection of their personality; e.g., that the other person is
inconsiderate, insensitive or perhaps just plain stupid.
This discrepancy in how we explain our own actions, as opposed to
those of others is called the "fundamental attribution error."
It's always the other guy who's the jerk.
Psychologists have been studying this phenomenon for several
decades. It occurs because when we watch other people, we notice
their behavior more than their situation. Conversely, when
observing ourselves we are more attuned to the situation than to
our own behavior.
Another reason for the bias in attribution is that it preserves
our self-esteem. After all, if I accidentally break something, it
is more desirable for me to look to the situation for an
explanation, rather than to attribute it to a personal defect.
But this bias in attribution can have unpleasant consequences.
When you look to circumstances to explain what went wrong, you
are more apt to assign blame.
This in turn fires up your "inner brat" -- that immature part of
your psyche that whines and complains and tries to convince you
that your misery is everyone else's fault. People with strong
inner brats are never happy.
How do you know if you are making too many attribution errors?
Ask yourself if any of the following apply to you:
-- You are in the habit of judging others -- People describe you
as critical -- You make excuses for your own mistakes -- You feel
like a victim much of the time -- When something goes wrong you
blame other people -- You walk around feeling angry or resentful
-- You have contempt for others, for no particular reason
If you recognize yourself in two or more points in the above
list, your inner brat needs to be tamed. The first step is being
aware of how your inner brat distorts reality, exaggerating other
people's faults, while minimizing your own.
Once you make a concerted effort to view your own and other
people's behavior in a more balanced way, you will be surprised
to find that most of the "jerks" in your life have disappeared!
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a
psychologist in Camp Hill, PA, and author of "Taming Your Inner
Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" (Beyond
Words Publishing, 2001)
Visit http://www.innerbrat.com
for more information, and
subscribe to her free, monthly Inner Brat Newsletter.
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