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How Compatible Are You and Your Partner?
Kim Olver
What are the things you argue about? Where are the disagreements?
The small resentments? Where do you have to give in to get along?
Do you argue over money? Are you fighting Do you have
different ideas about how much time you should spend together and
apart? Do you squabble over extended family and friends? Is one
of you daring and reckless, while the other wants to play things
safe? Does one of you want to be right all the time? Does one of
you want to always be in control? Do you disagree about the fun
activities in your life?
Couples may have conflict over many areas but do you know there
is a simple explanation for the conflict? When looking for a life
partner, it is a good idea to take a close look at your “Need
Strength Profile”, based on Dr. William Glasser’s work in the
area of Choice Theory. This simple assessment will determine
where you and your partner are in terms of the five basic needs
and help you determine what areas are compatible and what areas
should generate discussion and possible compromise and
negotiation.
There is a free assessment at www.therelationshipcenter.biz on
the "Free Stuff" page that will provide a rudimentary
understanding of where you are with regard to the five basic
human needs of Choice Theory---love & belong, survival, power,
freedom and fun. If you are seeking compatibility in a
relationship, you and your partner can both take this assessment
and then discuss your results based on the rest of this article.
The first need is called love & belonging. It is the need that
determines how much connection you require with others. Generally
speaking, relationships work best when you have equivalent
strengths of the love & belonging need. This is the need that
will help you determine as a couple how much time you spend
together and how much time is needed apart. Loving and
romance is another aspect of this need, as are extended family
and friends.
The second of the five basic needs is survival. This is so much
more than just the need to physically survive, although that is
part of it. It is also the psychological need to feel safe and
secure. Areas of potential conflict around this need involve the
ability to adapt to change, how you spend and save money,
preparations one makes for safety, spontaneity, among other
things.
The third of the human needs is power, which can be a difficult
need to understand because power generally has a negative
connotation associated with it. When people hear "power" they
often think of one person exerting their power over another
person. While this is one way, albeit not the best way, to meet
one's power need, there are two other ways which are more
responsible and palatable.
There are three ways to meet one's need for power---power over
others, power with others and power within ourselves. Power over
others is not a responsible way to meet one's power need because
it interferes with the other person getting his or her needs met.
There are plenty of people who use power over others but I am
advocating for the other two ways when seeking compatibility in
relationships.
When people have a high need for power, they are born driven to
get this need met. They don’t know how to get it met; they just
know they must find power. Often, you can observe in small
children the tendency to power over others. Then, hopefully, life
teaches children the other two ways to seek power.
When you look for "power with" others, it means that you are able
to work cohesively with a group of people to advance toward a
common goal. Many winning sports teams display this "power with"
concept, as well as effective work teams and even fully
functioning families. "Power with" others can be a very
satisfying way of meeting one’s power needs.
The final way to meet one’s need for power is "power within"
oneself. This is generally seen as a need for pride or
competence. Those with a high power need who meet it through
power within methods like to always do their best. They may seem
to be perfectionistic but producing their best is very need
satisfying to them.
In relationships, this power need accounts for workaholism,
people who always need to control everything around them and a
low degree of tolerance for imperfection in others. The power
need has a big influence in interpersonal relationships.
The fourth need to discuss is the need for freedom. People with a
high need for freedom are independent and like to do things their
own way. High freedom need people generally don't like
rules---particularly ones that don't make sense. They also value
their time alone. They like to do what they want, when they want.
There is usually an inverse relationship between the love &
belonging and the freedom needs. When a person has a high need
for love & belonging, he or she typically has a lower need for
freedom and vice versa. Of course, there are exceptions but
typically there is an opposite relationship between the two.
The last of Choice Theory’s basic human needs is fun. Fun seems
pretty straightforward but there are some subtleties to it that
are necessary to understand. There are basically three kinds of
fun. There is the loud, energetic kind of fun that people might
get from physical activity and parties, for example. There is the
quiet, relaxing kind of fun that might be enjoyed by fishing,
lying in a hammock on a warm summer’s day or reading for
pleasure. Then there is learning as fun.
Now, I’m not talking about when you learned algebra! For most of
us that wasn’t fun but I am talking about learning something you
are interested in that has useful application for you. For me,
the best example is when I learned how to downhill ski and made
it the first time down the slope without falling and getting snow
down my jacket, up my pant legs and various other places! It is
the sheer joy of learning something that interests you. Everyone
has various ways of meeting their fun needs and it is these
differences that can drastically affect your satisfaction in your
relationship.
It is not always true that in order for your relationship to
succeed, you must have equal or almost equal need strengths in
all five needs. For some needs, it is best when one of you is
high and one of you is low in that need.
Go to www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and take the free assessment
today. It’s on the “Free Stuff” page, with a link provided on the
home page. See what the assessment has to say. If you have some
questions, join me in my chat room during one of my scheduled
chats to discuss it, leave me a message on my blog (click on the
“View our Web Journal” link on the home page) or check the events
calendar for upcoming workshops.
There is so much to learn about improving the significant
relationships in our lives. This provides you with one more piece
to the puzzle. Our workshop and weekend conferences give you many
more of the puzzle pieces to help you make sense of and work to
improve your relationships. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
Invest in your relationships today.
Kim Olver, Country Club Hills, IL, USA
http://www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor in two states. She
helps others make positive changes and triumph through difficult
periods of their lives. She has maintained a private counseling
practice and in 2004, decided to move into the field of coaching,
where there are a greater number of individuals more highly
motivated to make the changes they seek. If you would like to get
your life back on track, get closer to important people in your
life, better manage the pain and disappointment of life or reduce
depression, fear, frustration and anger and develop greater
happiness and satisfaction in your life, then Kim is for you!
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